The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
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Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.