I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
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Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Hey i am sexy to you now
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.