Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?