Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
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I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
#Thanos #MondayMood
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?