Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?