Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
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Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️