For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
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Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
#CoronaOutbreak
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.