Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
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[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I feel it
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study