New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
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When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish