My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
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It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
He’s dead
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.