ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
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These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?