prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
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A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
oh shit
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I found your tweet-up…
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over