A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners