To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
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Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
What
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Cndnsd Mlk
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.