I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Duolingo getting serious.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.