what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
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I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.