Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
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Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*