You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
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SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Why soy sad?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too