Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.