My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
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Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
life finds a way
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.