Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
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There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
ok like just. call me at this point
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear