“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
This probably isn’t good
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
When he asks for feet pics