When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
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Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away