Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”