*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
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Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey