What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
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I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean