Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.