It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
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Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
this chia pet tastes awful
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.