Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
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As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming