My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
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Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Meow
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”