Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
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BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!