[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
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Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
sleeping beauty
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Human are so complicated
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.