After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
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Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.