[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.