Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
You Might Also Like
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Lucky old June.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Denise please return my vape pen
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.