Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.