*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now