The only equipped I am is ill.
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My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
just witnessed a drug deal
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.