Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
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I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Ape together strong
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?