More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
You Might Also Like
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
The first one, obviously
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!