I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
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Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
nature’s most graceful animal
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey