“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
#growingpains
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur