i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
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New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
reminder
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.