Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
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My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.