Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
lmao
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]