I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
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Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
It has been 3 years since Monday.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach