Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
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Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps