“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.