starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?