don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
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[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Finally!
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I think they could have phrased this better
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”